Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Wings.
A part of me is free now. Over these three days I realized to seek acceptance from my family is not the path i've chosen. I'm on my own in a sense and it's made me stronger. I had a dream that confirmed the fear and rage i'm feeling. It's time to travel and seek out other things in life. As the song says, "this little bird has fallen out of it's nest." I'm moreso on a path of self acceptance and so far i'm in the first half and I won't be finished until i'm dead.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Body
The Naked body is Beautiful...
II corpo nudo e bello
El cuerpo descubierto es hermoso
Le corps nu est beau
O corpo despido e bonito
Der nackte Korper ist schon
II corpo nudo e bello
El cuerpo descubierto es hermoso
Le corps nu est beau
O corpo despido e bonito
Der nackte Korper ist schon
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
In my solitude you haunt me --- Billie Holiday
When I was growing up there wasn't a handbook to explain to me what was unfolding within my adolescene. I can tell you that it was four long dark years, alot of solitude and my friends just wouldn't understand I guess. As I grew there were forms of documenteries that I exposed myself to on Public TElevision and by sneaking through books when I thought no one was looking. Those four years of solitude changed me, they informed by personality and for a few years I was very wear of straight guys, even befriending them maybe out of fear that they'd discover who I was about hurt me in some way. I tried to surpress my feelings from the time I was 15 to 21. Writing about it is my way of putting the past to bed but I still have a struggle with it, especially within the walls of my family, and it's as thou I must prove my masculinity so they stay off my back.
Television had a hand in exposing me to the great luminaries such as Gore Vidal, James Baldwin, Langston Hughes and ofcourse Warhol. When I was 16 I discovered a news magazine on pbs, it gave me insight into what I was feeling, those who seemed like myself but I often did feel I didn't see all of my parts on there and thats why I like to think of myself as a rare breed of man. Years later a certain major cable network would form a channel devoted to LGBT programming and I must say that was a moment in which I felt represented, the idea that something along those lines was possible.
In my twenties I often had people asking me of my sexual orientation and I would often ignore them, for I felt it was nobody's business but my own. 2005 I finally decided to fill some friends and family in but I never declared anything. When I do settle down then maybe i'll feel compelled to declare a portion of my true self but I'm always illusive, unless you know me in a different setting then I will open up.
Sometimes I like to blend in, it's a protection device of sorts but it keeps me alive. I'm often very quiet when alone in a new town, I wear my face of toughness so that nobody can fuck with me or try to rip me off. Those who talk to me always have my full attention, wether you're a friend, family member or potential BF, when you talk I focus on you and nobody else.
As I bid goodnight to the fourth of February and the person who left my family eight years ago, I think of how she would've greeted my revealing to her about my personal life. Infact I was later told she knew and I just could never get up the courage to tell her. It's hard to believe she's been gone eight years but I have fond memories of her reading to me as a kid, playing outside and allowing me to call her granny instead of grandma. Thank you for allowing me to grow my wings over these years, I intend to fly away very soon and aim my arrow high but I will make you very proud.
Goodnight
Television had a hand in exposing me to the great luminaries such as Gore Vidal, James Baldwin, Langston Hughes and ofcourse Warhol. When I was 16 I discovered a news magazine on pbs, it gave me insight into what I was feeling, those who seemed like myself but I often did feel I didn't see all of my parts on there and thats why I like to think of myself as a rare breed of man. Years later a certain major cable network would form a channel devoted to LGBT programming and I must say that was a moment in which I felt represented, the idea that something along those lines was possible.
In my twenties I often had people asking me of my sexual orientation and I would often ignore them, for I felt it was nobody's business but my own. 2005 I finally decided to fill some friends and family in but I never declared anything. When I do settle down then maybe i'll feel compelled to declare a portion of my true self but I'm always illusive, unless you know me in a different setting then I will open up.
Sometimes I like to blend in, it's a protection device of sorts but it keeps me alive. I'm often very quiet when alone in a new town, I wear my face of toughness so that nobody can fuck with me or try to rip me off. Those who talk to me always have my full attention, wether you're a friend, family member or potential BF, when you talk I focus on you and nobody else.
As I bid goodnight to the fourth of February and the person who left my family eight years ago, I think of how she would've greeted my revealing to her about my personal life. Infact I was later told she knew and I just could never get up the courage to tell her. It's hard to believe she's been gone eight years but I have fond memories of her reading to me as a kid, playing outside and allowing me to call her granny instead of grandma. Thank you for allowing me to grow my wings over these years, I intend to fly away very soon and aim my arrow high but I will make you very proud.
Goodnight
Thursday, January 29, 2009
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