In my solitude you haunt me --- Billie Holiday

When I was growing up there wasn't a handbook to explain to me what was unfolding within my adolescene. I can tell you that it was four long dark years, alot of solitude and my friends just wouldn't understand I guess. As I grew there were forms of documenteries that I exposed myself to on Public TElevision and by sneaking through books when I thought no one was looking. Those four years of solitude changed me, they informed by personality and for a few years I was very wear of straight guys, even befriending them maybe out of fear that they'd discover who I was about hurt me in some way. I tried to surpress my feelings from the time I was 15 to 21. Writing about it is my way of putting the past to bed but I still have a struggle with it, especially within the walls of my family, and it's as thou I must prove my masculinity so they stay off my back.

Television had a hand in exposing me to the great luminaries such as Gore Vidal, James Baldwin, Langston Hughes and ofcourse Warhol. When I was 16 I discovered a news magazine on pbs, it gave me insight into what I was feeling, those who seemed like myself but I often did feel I didn't see all of my parts on there and thats why I like to think of myself as a rare breed of man. Years later a certain major cable network would form a channel devoted to LGBT programming and I must say that was a moment in which I felt represented, the idea that something along those lines was possible.

In my twenties I often had people asking me of my sexual orientation and I would often ignore them, for I felt it was nobody's business but my own. 2005 I finally decided to fill some friends and family in but I never declared anything. When I do settle down then maybe i'll feel compelled to declare a portion of my true self but I'm always illusive, unless you know me in a different setting then I will open up.

Sometimes I like to blend in, it's a protection device of sorts but it keeps me alive. I'm often very quiet when alone in a new town, I wear my face of toughness so that nobody can fuck with me or try to rip me off. Those who talk to me always have my full attention, wether you're a friend, family member or potential BF, when you talk I focus on you and nobody else.

As I bid goodnight to the fourth of February and the person who left my family eight years ago, I think of how she would've greeted my revealing to her about my personal life. Infact I was later told she knew and I just could never get up the courage to tell her. It's hard to believe she's been gone eight years but I have fond memories of her reading to me as a kid, playing outside and allowing me to call her granny instead of grandma. Thank you for allowing me to grow my wings over these years, I intend to fly away very soon and aim my arrow high but I will make you very proud.


Goodnight