Wings.

A part of me is free now. Over these three days I realized to seek acceptance from my family is not the path i've chosen. I'm on my own in a sense and it's made me stronger. I had a dream that confirmed the fear and rage i'm feeling. It's time to travel and seek out other things in life. As the song says, "this little bird has fallen out of it's nest." I'm moreso on a path of self acceptance and so far i'm in the first half and I won't be finished until i'm dead.

In Flight

5 so far...

The Body

The Naked body is Beautiful...

II corpo nudo e bello

El cuerpo descubierto es hermoso

Le corps nu est beau

O corpo despido e bonito

Der nackte Korper ist schon

This is for those who are part of FILM CREWS, those behind the scenes. I salute you.

In my solitude you haunt me --- Billie Holiday

When I was growing up there wasn't a handbook to explain to me what was unfolding within my adolescene. I can tell you that it was four long dark years, alot of solitude and my friends just wouldn't understand I guess. As I grew there were forms of documenteries that I exposed myself to on Public TElevision and by sneaking through books when I thought no one was looking. Those four years of solitude changed me, they informed by personality and for a few years I was very wear of straight guys, even befriending them maybe out of fear that they'd discover who I was about hurt me in some way. I tried to surpress my feelings from the time I was 15 to 21. Writing about it is my way of putting the past to bed but I still have a struggle with it, especially within the walls of my family, and it's as thou I must prove my masculinity so they stay off my back.

Television had a hand in exposing me to the great luminaries such as Gore Vidal, James Baldwin, Langston Hughes and ofcourse Warhol. When I was 16 I discovered a news magazine on pbs, it gave me insight into what I was feeling, those who seemed like myself but I often did feel I didn't see all of my parts on there and thats why I like to think of myself as a rare breed of man. Years later a certain major cable network would form a channel devoted to LGBT programming and I must say that was a moment in which I felt represented, the idea that something along those lines was possible.

In my twenties I often had people asking me of my sexual orientation and I would often ignore them, for I felt it was nobody's business but my own. 2005 I finally decided to fill some friends and family in but I never declared anything. When I do settle down then maybe i'll feel compelled to declare a portion of my true self but I'm always illusive, unless you know me in a different setting then I will open up.

Sometimes I like to blend in, it's a protection device of sorts but it keeps me alive. I'm often very quiet when alone in a new town, I wear my face of toughness so that nobody can fuck with me or try to rip me off. Those who talk to me always have my full attention, wether you're a friend, family member or potential BF, when you talk I focus on you and nobody else.

As I bid goodnight to the fourth of February and the person who left my family eight years ago, I think of how she would've greeted my revealing to her about my personal life. Infact I was later told she knew and I just could never get up the courage to tell her. It's hard to believe she's been gone eight years but I have fond memories of her reading to me as a kid, playing outside and allowing me to call her granny instead of grandma. Thank you for allowing me to grow my wings over these years, I intend to fly away very soon and aim my arrow high but I will make you very proud.


Goodnight

"Don't criticize what you don't understand." B.Dylan

Rare

I'm waiting for the man

Recordings are meant to be discovered and when the file sharing movement was a blaze, I found myself diving into the sounds of The Velvet Underground & their maverick leader Lou Reed. There's something to be said when you first hear that drone effect by John Cale and then that voice followed by the words jump out at you, "I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years, A thousand dreams that would awake me, different colors made of tears," from that moment I became a lifelong fan of The Velvet Underground.

There is something to be said about going back into the musical landscape that was the 1960's. I did it out of my distaste for the current state of popular music, the over sugar sweets that are hip hop and emo rock with a sad boy cup of fever. My ears longed for a voice to sing the truth but without the overproduction of a pretty noise. THe rawness of perfect day to kill your sons, really gives a sonic shoulder to those discovering lou reed.

My list of important bands has given way to the great musicians that began when this type of music was not selling and made a bigger impact than any household product. The idea of do it yourself, the garage movement, pounding it out in the basements of the world.

To the sonic tapestry that was THE VELVET UNDERGROUND, I SAlute you.

Director of Photography

Picture it 2008, I'm about to take in the images that would become THERE WILL BE BLOOD. Within seconds I fell back in love with the idea of film but not so much from a directors perspective, the eye of a Cinematographer was smiling down on me and these images were so vivid, raw, pulsating with oil, add an ounce of superb acting = a visual masterpiece. There are very few films that leave me in awe with the entire banquet of footage set before the eyes. The nights of watching A Clockwork Orange and falling in love with the usage of shadows, the position of lights to add a mysterious flogging in the night but the story also added to the weight that was it's original intent.

Cinematographers have this way of painting with the elements, enhancing the light within a gray setting and coloring our imagination with it's realism, when all these essential parts melt together the dawning of the DP's brush is apparent. You could say the beauty of it is like falling in love, but not in a face to face context, in this instance I'm referring to that feeling of endless possibilities with a vast ocean of space & time. The intensity melded with a sonic tapestry of breathing.

I believe in wearing as many hats as possible. Taking the stress of directing as well as being my own DP, yea I might end up in the hospital after it but you have to run the race faster and more enthused than your competitors. My brush is being fine tuned, learning the craft on my own maybe if I come across a lottery ticket it will pay for my living costs (modest dare i SAY) and the art costs (My own route or film school) all of this is still up in the air.

What are you?

That dreaded tag-line that plagues so many when you declare a piece of yourself via a kiss. In social groups it's a branding, as thou you have to pick sides or you'll be left out of the 'great games.' Basically you are who you are, the stakes shouldn't be against you or in my case being forced by others to pick a side. If I declare one thing and yet retain some of my own existence, then in the community I am looked at as a traitor. Fuck that !

So when a friend, foe of family member asks 'What are you,' just reply with a smile, no dialogue or if you're in an unapologetic mood then by all means go for it. I choose to retain some mystery but a few friends and family do wear that privilege of knowing the man behind the eyes.

Lou Reed said it best in 2002 when he channeled Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven. Reed had constructed an album based around THE RAVEN and out of that came the song, "Who Am I?" another song of Reed's is "kill your sons," in this song Reed confronts those early waking moments of his own Kinsey Number 3 and the shock therapy that followed to 'rid him of this sickness.' During that time it was not uncommon to use shock therapy to 'cure homosexuality,' we all know now that there is nothing to cure, it's just how you came to be over time, born with the notion that you could bloom once all was quiet and you knew how to express your true intent = human being.

Penn, Van Sant and Brolin discuss MILK.

MILK

I've been playing back the images of MILK in my head and each time I am transported back to this era of 'Bravery,' when social groups viewed love as just a FOUR LETTER WORD, the display of same sex PDA was illegal but rising above all this brutal chaos came these words from a man who believed that hope was possible, "My name is Harvey MIlk & I'm here to recruit you." The film pulls you in, to bare witness to the early days of a Movement that is still going strong and even with the passing of prop 8 in California, we as a community will not go quietly into the night 'anymore,' for the time is now to raise our voices.

Gus Van Sant, his crew and the actors have made a film that inspires, moves and pulls you into a time when the horizon of equality seemed like a passing ship in the distance. That ship is on it's way to port but it's being delayed by a few problems that challenge all great travelers. The actors all rally around Sean Penn's awesome performance as Supervisor Harvey Milk. Penn's ability to drive into that great ocean that was and still is a major voice of the "Gay Rights Movement," shows that 30 years later we are in need of a Harvey MIlk but I have a feeling he's in every person who believes in fighting for the civil rights of all.

The Filmmaking is raw to the core, editor Elliot Graham's weaving of images together to construct a visual feast, Sean Penn's performance jumps into the film, slaps you around, leaves you filled with hope, the other actors including james Franco, Emile Hirsch & Josh Brolin as Dan White, all help to pull this train of documentation into focus. But keep in mind, all of this would not be possible without the guidance of GUS VAN SANT. The Director who's vision, hard work and tireless fighting gave birth to this AMAZING film of importance, social awareness.

Lay down your judgements, witness a man that challenged the status quo and gave his life for a cause.